I Screwed Up
I’m loading subwoofers into my sound gig at a quite proper club in Newton, Mass. Lifting the 110lb speaker off its tray, I’m off balance; the sub skids & scratches the parquet floor. I rub the scratch with my shoe, then a napkin - it doesn’t buff out. (Is it a”scratch” or a gouge? asks a voice in my head) It’s real. Ten years earlier, I’d have been hoping no one saw it happen, and looking over my shoulder on the loadout later.
When you screw up, what you want most is for your mistake to have never happened. You can’t time travel but that won’t stop you from trying. When you replay a mistake in your memory, you’re trying to change the past. You will fail at that, and as long as the past never changes, you stay there. You want a get out of jail free. What you want is forgiveness.
But this mistake didn’t happen ten years earlier. It happened well into my “I Screwed Up” era.
Late in the night, the band is absolutely smoking through a dance set, and the General Manager gives me a big thumbs up. Time to spend a little social capital.
"Hal, I scratched your floor. I wouldn’t want you to blame it on the lighting crew. See over there? that was from me. Here’s my card, let me know what you need from me. "
As we’re closing up, and I’m wrapping cables, Hal walks by the scratch, “Ah, that’s nothin”. I got forgiveness. I got out of jail free.
Let me know what you need from me.
Everyone knows the basic negotiation rule: Don’t be the first to say a number. When I asked Hal to give me the cost, it wasn’t a probe, it wasn’t to counteroffer, it was a blank check.
With a scarcity mindset, I might’ve tried to minimize the money impact (because money = success). I might have said - “will $75 cover it?”. Lowball it. Admit it, but still hope to control it.
Instead, there was no opening offer, just “You decide what works for you. - I won’t argue.” Quietly generous in a way that’s not financial, giving the other person agency. Show I value the relationship over money. Hal got to choose how to handle the damage; would he have made the same choice if he discovered the damage himself later?
People on the receiving end of damage are bracing to fight — to prove the damage happened, to argue over amounts, to feel heard. Skip all of that by handing them the pen. There’s nothing to fight against. And most people, given that kind of trust, don’t abuse it.
People act punitively when they’re angry and seek justice. A sure way to make someone angry is to argue. When you own up, and offer true generosity, there’s no argument; You’re in agreement.
Consider that people may not lean on you if you’re not resisting.
Is it safe to be wrong?
I collaborated with Kate for years, on events, full of endless-changing details. Kate supplied my sound company with vital gig information - dates, locations, site contacts, equipment requirements, and more, and we had dozens of jobs in the pipeline at a time. Perfection was a goal, but not a realistic option. She was extremely competent, but you wouldn’t think that from hearing her work, you’d think she was perfect.
She had an answer for everything.
A timeline is wrong: “Well, you can shuffle around another job ”
Wrong gear requested: “The client won’t notice”
Useless site contact info: “So what’s the problem?”
If she’d just acknowledge the curveball, we’d be on the same side, talking about the same gig, solving the same problem. Instead we’re arguing about which reality is true. I’d be straight with her when it was on me, but she never owned up. I don’t recommend working with people who embed gaslighting in their business plan.
"Let me tell you about my friend Kate,” I finally snapped at her, “Did you know she has never made a single mistake in her entire life?”
She stared. This, she did not have an answer for.
I thought “Did I just say that out loud?” And then, “I’d never have waited so long, if I’d known how good it’d feel!”
One day soon after my outburst, an inevitable last minute bullshit change came up. She calls,
“We need 2 extra wireless mics tonight. Sorry for not letting you know sooner. My bad.”
“Not a problem. That van hasn’t gone out yet. We’re all set.”
I did a happy victory dance as I threw extra mics in the van and thought: Perhaps if you tell people what you need, they really can change. I considered that the change might’ve come even without my sarcasm.
I could hear that she was not a native speaker of “sorry my bad” -ese. I wondered about pressures on her to be perfect. I welcomed her admission with friendliness, but maybe she had been taught that admitting a mistake meant getting clobbered. I reminded myself - make it safe for people around me to admit mistakes.
It’s not like mea culpas were a constant thing. There were just a handful of occasions where I left behind a card for a mistake. But I never got a single call. Don’t take this a cheat code: IE “If you don’t want to take responsibility, just offer to take responsibility”. Whether I’d get a damage claim or not doesn’t change the advice in the least. Consider it a relationship stress test. What starts out as problem becomes an opportunity to earn even more trust.